wherefore art thou romeo?

you know how some people wonder how or why they’re given things they don’t deserve? let’s say for example, a special someone? i hear a lot of this coming from guys because they always say “i don’t know what it is that i did or do to deserve you…” so on and so forth. honestly… i don’t know either. why am i talking about this? i don’t know, i guess it’s something on my mind or maybe it has something to do with me. who cares? anyway, God could be working in his mysterious ways of why that person deserved that person, or it could be just fate. now… why is it that bad things always happen to good people? why? i had a good friend who passed away a couple months ago. what did he do to deserve to die at such a young age? it really just sucks. it was devastating for a lot of people who knew him.

RIP Tong Vang

Seriously though, why is it that people who have been good end up not getting who they want. Why is life so unfair? It’s funny how people get into crappy situations and in my head all I say is… “that’s life”. When you really think about it though, life is so unfair to the point it just doesn’t make any sense. I just feel like no matter how hard you work, no matter how hard you try, there’s someone you know who takes your thunder that they didn’t deserve. It’s a long story and I just so happen to be in the middle of it. Maybe someday I’ll figure out how to escape through this never ending maze of life.

ps. to that special someone… i’ll never forget you.

2 years ago

infuriated is the word.

i dont know what it is. i really dont. theres really not much that i can do to change my dad’s perspective of me. im sure it’s normal. but then again, very annoying. i am 20 turning 21, yes im still young and immature, but im at the age where i can pretty do whatever the hell i want… except for drinking alcohol of course. we’ll wait til 21. i have never done drugs, i have never prostituted myself, i have never disowned my family, i have never ran away so far to the point im at a different state and was able to change my name behind their backs… no. i have not. i have disrespected them, yes and i regret it. for some reason its never enough for my dad. for some reason bustin my ass out to get all my hw finished is never enough. he says he simply wants to see me read the damn textbook. are u f_cking kidding me? my dad already assumes im a lying and dishonest bratty child and reading a damn textbook will make him think im doing my work? hell then i should have done that a long ass time ago. i dont know… again i really dont know. my dad was a masters college graduate, a die-hard christian, and a navy brat… i guess that explains why he is so damn strict on me, however it will not change my way of life. it will not change my character. it will not change the choices i will make regardless of whether its wrong or right. ugh.. thinking about it, frustrates me even more. i wanna move out =/

4 years ago

"Blind" by Anne Fischer

My husband Christopher was once a financial planner. Even though he couldn’t balance our budget, his clients trusted him implicitly and he made them feel secure. In exchange they paid him very well. We had a nice life then, except for the occasional blip on the radar screen of our relationship - nothing that couldn’t be solved with a few soft words or a trip to the bedroom. Usually little tiffs about money. My yoga studio was just starting to make a profit, and I had recently decorated it in a lovely minimalist way, in neutral tones with simple prints and accents like straw-coloured silk cushions and clay flowerpots. At last, I was in control of my working life and poured my heart and soul into making it succeed.

When we first met, I fell hard for Christopher right away, although I wouldn’t call it love. I’d never been with a man who was prettier than I was, but after a while I got used to it, and it didn’t bother me so much. I was recovering from a broken heart and needed something to help me move on. If it wasn’t love, it was good enough, and when he asked me to marry him I jumped at the chance, knowing that it might be my last.

Things started out so well. I was working steadily and Christopher was patiently climbing up the ladder in his department. Then, without any warning, one overcast winter afternoon in year five, he just upped and left his desk in the gray cubicle at the bank, handed in his resignation, and came home and told me he wanted to start an interior design business.

He has always loved mixing and matching, and has a real eye for colour, texture, and shape, but the idea of turning a hobby into a business wasn’t something we had ever discussed. I thought the stress of his job was becoming too much and perhaps he would take a few months off over the spring and summer to relax, do a project or two, and get the idea out of his system. I didn’t believe he could be serious. But once he had a few clients, (thanks to my sister who has a lot of rich friends), he began to draw up plans, ordering catalogues and scouting vintage furniture shops, turning our empty workshop into a kind of makeshift studio with all of his sketches pinned to the wall. After spending a lot of time and money on all of this preparation, and really doing quite a nice job of it, he called each client in turn and apologized, saying he wasn’t well and wouldn’t be able to design their living spaces after all. Then he went to bed.

< 2 >

He’s been home now for almost a year. In the beginning, he just slept for most of the day, then got up but stayed in his pyjamas, watching Oprah and whatever came on afterwards, didn’t even shower or shave most of the time. He didn’t and doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore either. Our sex life was the best thing about our relationship. And now he has changed his mind again and has decided to take a course in jewellery design. I’m trying to support the idea, because I’m happy that anything interests him at all, but I have to say this life I have with him at the moment feels a bit odd and sometimes (lots of times) unfair. For one thing, I’ve had to close my studio location downtown and start running my classes out of the house. Also, with Christopher out of work, and for who knows how long, I have to pay for everything myself. There is just no other cash coming in.

Yoga clients coming to the house isn’t so bad. I’ve got an area for them in the workshop, now that it’s heated. And there’s quite a lot of space available there. Yes, the new studio is working out, but still, it’s not always easy to get Christopher and the trail of mess he leaves wherever he goes out of sight. At least he’s getting dressed these days, so it’s not as though I have to hide him, the way I did in the beginning.

Most afternoons I give him some money so he can go to the movies. Apparently he’s seeing a lot of them. He never used to go by himself, but everything is different now. I try not to think about where he might be if he’s not at the movies. My imagination just shuts down. What’s the matter with seeing a movie by yourself, really? He’s smoking now too and I have to pay for his cigarettes. I try to keep the incense burning when I know people are coming over, and that gets rid of most of it, but it’s not something I like.

I wish we could talk about the smoking, and the money problem and why he is suddenly going to movies in the afternoon alone, sometimes two of them, but we can’t. I wish I could ask him why he doesn’t want to sleep with me. The one time I tried he started to cry, and even though he didn’t say anything, I thought it was better to wait for him to come around by himself rather than push. Wouldn’t you? At this very moment, Christopher is sitting at the kitchen table, trying to make a pair of earrings from some bits and pieces of old jewellery I’ve given him to practice on, and he seems so peaceful.

The important thing is that right now he needs my support. I know that. I can’t think about myself. It would be selfish, wouldn’t it? Later, when he’s feeling better. More himself.

4 years ago

school starts tomorrow…

but i cant seem to get my mind off of a few things… its 1:21am and i cant sleep…. (yea yea.. tell us something we dont know) last night i went to sleep at 11pm which was early for me and i woke up at 6am… with tons of things to do. i had the urge to make pancakes… but i made eggs and sausages instead. but then i ended up falling asleep again and didnt wake up till 2pm…. ugh what a waste of life. school starts tomorrow… and for some reason, i dont feel ready. its funny because i am. i have all my school supplies and everything, maybe im just not emotionally ready, but its not like im gonna use that as an excuse. im pushing myself to get out there and finish what i had started. im tired of being lazy and relaxing too much. so hopefully tomorrow will be a good day…. despite the whether. siggh…

the ps3 has been great to me. im currently playing resistance 2, although im not very fond of the game, im just playing it because i have no games at the moment. i need to save my money for bigger things. ps3 home has kept me entertained when im bored. bowling, and playing chess with random people on the ps3 network. its pretty fun. i do regret not having an xbox 360… maybe next time… next paycheck… haha jk. next time.

well i dont want to waste my sleep on tumblr. i should get back to bed.


4 years ago

what is it about our technology, people and drama.. yadda yadda

im somewhat disappointed. i guess maybe movies are just fake things. but its funny how when it comes to movies, the crew tries their best to have these actors and actresses portray people of our society. and to me, i find it interesting because at some point, its real… but then when im thinking reality or to what our world has become now… its fake. i know im confusing you right now. lets say for example middle school and highschool drama. its normal, its something most women would and/or men go through. but why at this age? and i mean.. why at such an older age? if you’re wondering whether this is happening to me at this point… well yea maybe a little. but not really. not that im the person being immature. im simply witnessing a situation where a woman….. or girl, who happens to be in her mid twenties and still enjoys putting hatred on the keyboard toward someone she does not know. its extremely sad but true. and now you’re wondering how does this relate to the movie thing. well i used it as an example of what i used to think of real life situation-drama; such as financial trouble, women sleeping with their best friend’s bf or exbf, drug addiction….. etc. but since high-technology has so much emphasis on our society… internet bullying, cyber-sexing, even texting!! has become a new thing, a thing that may have been going around now lately, but its overpowering. honestly, i find it pathetic. doing all your gossip and bullying online. in fact, i remember reading somewhere some time ago, a man proposed to her woman by texting her and sent her an ascii image of a diamond ring….. and she said yes. siggh… same goes for gps navigation systems… guys… do you really need one? if you have one, you’re pathetic as well….. unless you’re asian.

4 years ago

just not in the mood.

im not bitchy or anything. im just having a bad day. my boyfriend has issues with listening to me. its just a stupid problem. so basically we were supposed to watch sherlocke holmes around 6pm, but my family is leaving to costco.. and they didnt want to bring our daughter, which is fine. so we decided to wait. so i left into my room to get ready and what not, while my boyfriend was on my laptop playing maple story… meanwhile…… my mom walks over to me and says ‘never mind, we’ll bring paula (my daughterr). and i say ‘ok cool that works’. i walk over to my boyfriend and tell him that we should get going and he says ‘no, we have to wait for your mom to come back’ and i tell him ‘no they’re bringing paula’ and he said ‘well i think we should stay because i had already told your mom that we would wait for her to come back’…….. im a little confused and yet i felt rushed because it’s 5pm and the movie starts at 6pm and we always go early for previews. but i ignored it and left it at that. i begin checking my email while i hear my mom yell out ‘ok we’re leaving, fatima i want you to wash the dishes since im bringing your daughter with me ok?!’ and i yell back ‘ok mom!’ and then she leaves and as we listen to the garage door open, i let out a huge sigh of stress because i had to wash a shitload of dishes. i then hear my boyfriend say ‘wait ur mom is taking paula? ok then wash the dishes so we could leave’ ……………….im pissed. he just added the cherry on top. im fucking pissed. ive been telling him that like 5 million times and he had the nerve to say ‘i didnt know your mom was bringing paula’ oh god. seriously? he’s rushing me to wash the dishes. he tells me to wait for my mom til she comes back that way i can relax and wash the dishes later. but no, he rushes me even more… and im just not in the mood anymore. uggggggggggggggh!

4 years ago

ugghh tummy hurts…

all i had this whole day was coffee and a cinnamon roll…. this morning. i havent really eaten anything else. oh wait, i ate munchies. ok so today i got up at 8:20am, got ready, called my boyfriend to come pick me up and drop me off to work (work starts at 9am) and not much really happened at work today though. i bought a cup of (target brand) coffee, and i was lucky enough to be placed into working food avenue today. i enjoy working for the food avenue part of target, time goes by so quickly. food ave was pretty slow today, it got kinda busy, but i was able to manage it. theres no such thing as ‘busy’ at target food ave. i find it challening actually… theres memorization, you’re moving around a lot more, you’re making pizza, pretzels, etc. its fun. after work.. bf picked me up and went to dollar tree. i kinda wanted to go there. i love dollar tree, they have everything… for a dollar. they have really cute wedding favors, they have wiimote silicone skins, ipod cases, storage bins, grocery, makeup, everything. i would so work there….. my favorite color is green by the way :)

so after all that, went straight to my place… took a nap while my baby daddy (bf) took care of paula. when i woke up, i went on the internet and then played my DSi, and watched iron chef.. it was a special. it was with president obama’s wife. hmmm.. after that i took my baby daddy home.. went for a quick drive with dianne to starbucks… (again.. more coffee), took dianne home, and then i went home. didnt eat anything. and now… im starving as fcuk.

maybe i should go eat then.

4 years ago

i suffer from sleep deprivation…

its 1:39am right now and im up on tumblr. and watchin tinkerbell and the lost treasure. i feel pathetic, and i have work at 9 in the morning….. ugggh. anyway, i miss my boyfriend. we were having a good time last night. we went to best buy, toys r us, kmart, big lots, dollar tree, and target. it was an adventure. we were supposedly looking for this scrabble game my mom is dying to play, but we ended up buying other things. i love dollar tree. its the best thing ever :) ive been looking for a game rack for my nintendo ds game cases.. and i couldnt find a better game rack anywhere but dollar tree. i was simply amazed and happy. although the minute i walked into dollar tree i could already smell the funkiness of marijuana. but i didnt care… like i said.. i love dollar tree.

anyway, im still in vacation mode right now. i recently came back from hawaii and it was great. swimming everyday was kinda fun, but i enjoyed the scenery. siggh.. hawaii was a dream come true…. but now im back to reality. dealing with financial issues, school is coming up, moral support for my boyfriend and his car issues. yea unfortunately my boyfriend is upset because his ‘baby’ isnt running. his beloved 3000GT. he’s doing whatever he can to drive that car again. basically, he got a ticket for a minor traffic violation, but due to him moving around alot, that ticket was bound to get lost somewhere. so his license was suspened, his car registration was expired, and his insurance was lost… and his car battery was dead. so now he’s getting back up on his feet and getting his car back. so far… he got his license renewed, and he has insurance. he bought a new battery and his car worked for a day… and he’s sad and frustrated that he can’t do much with fixing it, he needs professional help. poor babe…

..besides that, were both going to school this coming semester. my boyfriend will be taking automotive mechanics so he could fix his own car…

im hoping this year would be a great year for me.. i guess all we can do is hope for the best.

4 years ago

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